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Vixen's giggle for the day!

Vixen's giggle for the day!

Unread postby Vixen » Fri Feb 01, 2013 9:54 am

The Bible Story...... a great one!!
A child was asked to write a book report on the entire Bible.

Here is what was written:


The Children's Bible in a Nutshell

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was
nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, 'The Lord
thy God is one,' but I think He must be a lot older than that.
Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did.
Then God made the world.
He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but
they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented
yet.
Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were
driven from the Garden of Eden.....Not sure what they were driven in
though, because they didn't have cars.
Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as
he was Abel.
Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for
Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.
One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good
guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat
and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other
people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain
check.
After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous
than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in
exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a
really loud sports coat.
Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was
Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away
from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's
people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice,bowels, and no
cable.

God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave
them His Top Ten Commandments. These include: don't lie, cheat,
smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff.
Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy
mother.
One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible
guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence
fell over on the town.
After Joshua came David.. He got to be king by killing a giant
with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives
and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't
sound very wise to me.
After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One
of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed
up on the shore.
There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't
have to worry about them.
After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the
star of The New Testament. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn.(I
wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying
to me, 'Close the door! Were you born in a barn?' It would be nice
to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.')
During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the
Pharisees and the Republicans.
Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas
Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable
after him.
Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached
to some Germans on the Mount.
But the Republicans and all those guys put Jesus on trial before
Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed
his hands instead.
Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again.
He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminium.
His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.
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